Hershey's Kiss of Death

Continuing on the theme of chocolate sabotage, I had a very healthy day today until I went to the movies and soon found myself in the dark scoffing Reese's Pieces like they were going out of style. Which they really should be - I don't even really like Reese's Pieces! They are just the least offensive Hershey's brand chocolate available.*

Which brings me to something I have often lamented - why does Hershey's have such a stranglehold on movie chocolate? It is by far my least favourite brand of chocolate, and yet I find myself eating it at least once a month and paying a ridiculous amount of money for it because it is all that is available at the movies. (My self-delusion that I will one day go to the movies and NOT eat chocolate prevents me from planning ahead and bringing something else.)

So, no need to say that things continue down the slippery slope and if I don't put the brakes on soon I'll be undoing all my hard work in no time. But besides the Reese's Pieces, I did do fairly well today and I feel ready to give it a good effort again. It's all stops and starts but at least the stops seem to be getting shorter - fingers crossed.

(*A quick visit to the Hershey's website reveals that amongst all the other crap, they are responsible for the Kit Kat. I would like to make it clear that I in no way include the Kit Kat in my general rant against Hershey's -the Kit Kat is a truly delightful confection. But why the hell is it not available at the movies?)

Chocolate Sabotage

I've noticed a trend where I will only allow myself to make about 15 pounds of progress at a time. Its like my body/mind needs a good 6 months plus to accept that loss and get ready to push further. I was stuck at around 230-235 for probably almost a year, putting in a half-assed effort that allowed me to maintain, but not lose any further. Then once I finally got below 230 it was no trouble getting down to 215 - followed by another 8 months plus of maintaining at that weight. Finally I pushed through to where I am now, just over 200, and I am finding the same sabotaging behaviour creeping in.

Let me clarify that I don't mean I am bravely persevering through plateaus - I mean that when I have some success, a part of my brain goes, "Cue the constant chocolate eating, the failing to plan, and the general messing around or I might actually lose this weight!" I guess I could call it a "motivational plateau".

I think that I am not quite ready to get under that 200 lb mark, although I'm not sure why. As soon as that became a realistic short term goal with a bit of good effort for a couple of weeks, I automatically reached for the muffins and the chocolate. It could be that I just like to sprint, then rest, then sprint again, and as long as I'm not gaining it all back its not really so bad. Or it could be that I'm afraid of reaching my goal - because then what would I do?

Skinny Jeans

I bought a new pair of jeans today in size 34/34 from Bluenotes, a store I haven't been into since high school (a somewhat depressing 14 years ago).

A couple of observations:
1. The cool kids get way shittier service in these stores than we plus-sized yuppies have come to expect.
2. Now that I can finally fit into these stores, I'm way to freaking old to shop there.

Nevertheless, I plan on making a fool of myself wearing teenage clothing until the novelty wears off. Better late than never.

While I am happy about reaching this milestone of shopping at a "normal" store, I'm also confused. My memory may have blocked out some of the details due to the trauma of the experience, but I'm pretty sure I remember trying to squeeze my high school ass into the biggest pair of jeans in the store (a size 13) and not being able to. This marked the beginning of my approximately 15 year exile into the wilderness of plus sized stores. Problem is, I'm pretty sure my high school ass was smaller than the early 30's one I have now. So, is this another sign of the obesity crisis? Are my 34 jeans really 38's? Is this where those chubby teenagers with all the ass crack showing have been getting their jeans?

And oh yeah, I am now at 203.4 lbs.

Back

Just because I've dropped out of the blog-o-sphere doesn't mean things have been off the rails - at least not the whole time anyway.

The weight is still coming off - currently I'm at 204.8 lbs.

The weight issue has been eclipsed of late by a back problem which has been causing severe pain and limitation to my ability to get around. I was even off work for a few weeks and I'm now back part-time.

Prior to that, work was so crapping busy and overwhelming that I lost the ability to do anything except obsess, worry and dream about it. This kind of commitment to anxiety and compulsion doesn't leave a lot of time for blogging.

I've been thinking lately about trying to recapture some of the things I used to enjoy when I was more myself. One of them was writing. As is true of a lot of things in my life, my writing has fallen victim to that severe internal clever critic that just won't stand for the kind of crap in the above paragraphs. But I'm going to try and turn that voice off and just bang it out, damn it. And to hell with it.

So I hope I will be back here more often, losing weight, bitching and moaning, and having some fun while I'm at it. Hope to see you around.